I am not what I was a year before. Year 2015 gave me many lessons and 2016 gave me a new direction. I am not not what I am trying to be, not yet and I accept that in a healthy way. I believe change comes in steps, not a big long jump. I was cool with my progress but two incidents happened that actually hurt me so much.
Two persons that are very close to me, I would say the closest, criticized me in a way that I didn’t anticipate, not from them at least. They both reacted in their weak moments and I understand but I also believe that we are most likely to say what we have in our mind during those weak moments (that is why its important to change, not pretend).
So I did something wrong and I confessed it that I know I can’t feel good but that is what I am, I won’t pretend. After some dialogues, our talk took a turn and she said,“Okay so you follow Rumi. Does Rumi teach you this?” And I could not say a word after that.
Then the other person he said, “So why are you going to sleep without offering morning prayer? Why you follow Islam for only those things that you like, and do the rest according to your will?” I accept that I am not following everything so I couldn’t argue.
But I want to say that I don’t follow Allah because I want to be religious or because I want others to take me as a pious person. I am following one thing because I have been succeeded in following that and I don’t follow the other thing because I am still fighting with it, not because I think it’s not convenient for me and I don’t even annouce that I am trying to change, it’s just that when I speak, my words reflect my thoughts.
There is a thing in psychiatry that is called reaction formation. When a person does something that is not acceptable to him, he tries to do the opposite. Like a person watches porn and he is guilty so he becomes a preacher to avoid that or if a person thinks that he is not a good person and it is not acceptable to him so he becomes a good person. This is all reaction formation when we are trying to do the opposite of what we really want. But is that a good thing? Yes it is, but it’s not permanent. Because in those weak moments, when we are upset, angry or tired, we will go back to what we really are and this will happen again and again. We are likely to watch porn again, we are going to do all those things that we were trying to escape and will be that bad person, thou for a short time, again because actually we have not changed, we have only learned to be what is acceptable to us. We have just got a way to divert our attention from ‘real us’ to the one ‘we want to become’ and that is why changing from the root is important. That is why it’s important to go in steps. That is why it’s important to love the good things and not merely make them your inspiration. I can never even come near to what Rumi was and what our beautiful Islam is all about. But I am a seeker and I want to die as a seeker. It’s good to seek and not find than to give up. I always get fascinated by the story of Moses and the shepherd. When Moses rejected one shepherd’s prayer, a revelation came from Allah to Moses:
You’ve torn My servant from My presence
Were you sent in order to unite
or to distinguish and divide?
I love Allah a bit more every time I read this and I try to be what I am rather than pretending to do what I am not. I love everything that my religion says not because I am born with this religion but because I really love it. If some people have defamed my religion, I will blame that person and not my religion. If I am not a good person, blame me, don’t blame Islam or Rumi. They are trying to make me a better person, they gave me hope when I was in darkness. No matter what I do now or in future, that will only reflect me. Yes I am failing to follow what Islam and Rumi says but I am trying and He knows that. I am sure He knows that. Don’t judge me because I confess that my roots are still damaged and rotten. Guide me, don’t judge me because your words can hurt.