I can see myself divided into two persons. I am sure now who that one person is, that person is not me, but I am what she is. Because she is not me, I can never find tranquillity in being what she is.
The second person is what I am but I am not, what she is. She is innocent and she is scared to show herself up. I suppressed her voice and dragged her into darkness years ago, she is not visible to anyone, not even me.
Something happened, I don’t know what, but she has now started to send me signals of her existence. She is telling me that she is still alive. I can’t recognise her. She is so weak and I can’t believe what I have done to her. Although I know she is alive but that doesn’t mean she has shown herself to me. NO. Not yet…
But now I know what is happening inside me. I am not doing what I want to do. I am doing what that other person is telling me to do. That person has taken over me completely.
I was not born like this. This second person is who I have adapted from outside. This is not me. That part is living inside me and eating me out. That person is responsible for keeping myself away from me. Although she is living inside me, I am her hostage. I am trying hard to get myself back, but she is strong. I feel like I am dying inside, I feel like my real self needs oxygen now. She wants to come out in the light otherwise she will die. And with her death, my death is definite. With her life, I will be immortal. I am living with my nafs, without my soul.